


The Banana Blouse

by Merlin Missy (mtgat)



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F, Good Place Reboot, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-24 09:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17098202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtgat/pseuds/Merlin%20Missy
Summary: "Aw, you look great! Like an elegant giraffe!"





	The Banana Blouse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Onthecyberseas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onthecyberseas/gifts).



Tahani stepped up to the mirror with her eyes closed and took a deep breath.

"Tahani Al-Jamil, just as your friend Yoko said to you, today is the first day of the rest of your life!"

Positive attitude firmly in place, she opened her eyes. The flawless image of her own face reflected back. The positive. She was focusing on the positive. She would not be daunted by the clothing she wore that took over the image under her fading smile.

As Michael had given her the initial tour of the neighborhood, they had walked by a silent Buddhist monk in simple robes. Tahani thought longingly of the monk now. More specifically, she longed for the simple elegance of the linen draped around him. Not … this. She took a shuddering breath and turned to catch other angles in the mirror's small surface. Face? Still lovely. Not that she was vain, but as her friend Mariah always said, outside beauty opened the viewer to observe the beauty within. But her clothes.

"Aw, you look great! Like an elegant giraffe!" Eleanor came up behind her, patting Tahani on the back, and leaning into the mirror with her. Then she started scrubbing at her teeth with her finger. "I gotta ask that robot lady for a toothbrush. I didn't think I'd need to brush my teeth in Heaven."

"Janet isn't a robot," Tahani explained with a sigh. She moved aside and let Eleanor have the mirror. The only looking glass in their home was this friendly, small thing hanging over the basin. Not that their cozy little bungalow could honestly fit a proper dressing room and lounge outside the en suite, nor were any of the walls suited for hanging one elsewhere. No, she must make do. This mirror must be perfection in its simplicity, just as the rest of their lives.

She looked down at her outfit. She was, she must admit, suited to every color, and yellow particularly flattered her. This blouse, were it fitted to her bosom and crafted of silk or cotton, would have looked stunning, even with the trousers. Nothing could be done about the trousers. Tahani had once held a fundraiser to collect money so that the homeless could be better dressed, and would no longer be forced to wear cargo pants. A good blouse could have offset these trousers, nearly.

This blouse was polyester with a lacy-edge butterfly collar. All over the yellow field were prints of bananas. Her entire wardrobe was full of similar tops and dresses. Half of them fit Eleanor, who now cupped water from the sink to scoop into her mouth to swish noisily before she spat into the drain. "Better!" She dried her mouth on the towel. "Are we ready?" She was clad in a pink blouse covered with huge strawberries that nearly matched Tahani's awful banana blouse, and worse, she seemed happy about it.

Tahani took another breath. "Yes. You know, back on Earth, I used to be the one throwing lavish parties. My friend Cardi B used to tell my other friend Kim Kardashian that I threw the best soirées."

"Well, back on Earth, _my_ friend … " Eleanor paused. Then her face drew up into a sweet moue. "You know, let's just go to this party." She took Tahani's arm. "Come on, soulmate."

Eleanor half-dragged her from their tiny bathroom through their tiny house to the great outdoors. Tahani took in a lungful of fresh air, and she felt a bit better, even wearing a banana blouse. The Good Place was tuned to have perfect weather every day, Michael had said. Today was no exception: the sun hung brightly in the sky, graceful clouds skidded by without a threat of rain, and the breeze carried the scent of hundreds of flowers without a single sneeze to follow. Meteorologically, this was truly Paradise.

She glanced at her soulmate. Michael had said they were matched to their one perfect partner, the gleam to their diamond, the chandelier to their drawing room, and the McCartney to their Lennon. (Her friend Yoko was quite candid on certain matters.) When Tahani had imagined the great love of her life, the muse to her own great deeds to come, she'd pictured someone rather different than the acerbic blonde woman at her side. She'd assumed her soulmate would be a scholar and a diplomat, an aficionado of the arts with a devilish smile saved only for Tahani. She had hoped for at least a Hemsworth.

Eleanor was not a Hemsworth. She was practically an anti-Hemsworth! Since she had confided her secret to Tahani, literally everything she'd said or done was the dire opposite of what Tahani felt someone who merited a position in the Good Place should say or do. She didn't raise money for charity or work with orphans or muse on the nature of the universe. She swore constantly, as much as she could in this perfect place. She ordered poor Janet to bring her an endless supply of shrimp, which she gobbled with abandon. Her favorite band was Weezer. _She was from Arizona!_ Simply put, Eleanor was as unlikely a soulmate as Tahani could ever have imagined.

Tahani ought to tell Michael. Something held her back, and she couldn't say what.

They walked arm in arm to the mansion which sat right next door. Tahani had gazed upon its splendid majesty numerous times since her arrival, longing to roam the palatial rooms instead of bumping into Eleanor. Tahani's family had not been very religious. They observed the holidays with a perfunctory nod rather than devotion. Her parents had often drily observed that mandated fasting made sense for those already living in poverty, and Tahani herself had preferred to focus on raising awareness of starvation. She hadn't given much thought to the afterlife. Nevertheless, any idle daydreams would have suggested that in the life beyond death, Tahani would abide eternity in such a house as this rather than the miniature one beside it.

The hostess greeted them with a smile and a cheek kiss as they came inside. "Tahani! Eleanor! We're so happy you could come!" She gave them both a wide smile. She wasn't wearing polyester bananas. Her dress shimmered, clinging to her in an umber radiance that Tahani rather thought would look magnificent in her own tiny mirror.

"Hey, Vick," Eleanor said.

Tahani said, "Thank you for the invitation. I adore your gown."

Vicky glanced down. "Oh, this? I've got a closet full of them. Janet says they're all woven from starlight and diamonds. Can you believe this place?"

"I know what you mean," said Tahani as another drop of acid jealousy sizzled across her heart. Vicky was much shorter than she was. Breaking away from the party to inspect the wardrobe and perhaps try on one or three of the glittering gowns would do her no good.

They went inside, and Tahani sighed at the opulence surrounding them. The tasteful, elegant furniture, the eye-catching art, the spacious yet warm and inviting rooms, all this ought to have been her due. The other early-arriving guests already clustered in small groups. Tahani could feel their eyes judging her banana blouse. The only friendly face was that of the Buddhist monk, who stared serenely at a houseplant, his countenance awash in his own inner well of peace as his fingers delved into the potting soil, communing with nature.

" _Noice_!" Eleanor said, and let go of Tahani's arm, making a bee-line for the hors d’oeuvres. Tahani let her go, drifting over to brush the fine upholstery of a chair.

Vicky's soulmate stood to one side, head swiveling nervously from side to side. He saw Tahani and nodded politely. "Hi. Welcome to the party!"

Tahani extended her hand, and took the vaguely damp palm of the host in her grip. "Your home is breathtaking."

"Thanks," he said. "Tell me, do you think we should have the punch table here, or over there?" He started moving the table, sloshing the punch in the bowl. "I think it's better over here, to allow the guests to have some without encouraging them to drink too much." He stopped. "But maybe it should be closer to the door, to let them get a drink on their way in before they mingle." He started shoving the table in the other direction.

Tahani watched the red liquid in the bowl form crested waves, and she set her hand down on the table. "Chidi? It's Chidi, isn't it?"

"Yes. Sorry, I know I heard your name, but I've forgotten it." He stood up, flinching. "It's terrible. It's incredibly rude not to remember someone's name, and serves as a means of dehumanizing them."

"Tahani. The table is perfect where you have it."

"Are you sure? Because I think it would be better towards the front. Or maybe closer to the bar."

"It's perfect. This entire house is perfect." Then Tahani burst into tears.

***

Chidi's panic over the party had consumed him ever since Vicky told him they were hosting it. "It'll be great," she said. "All the people from the Neighborhood will be here. We'll just have to decide on what we want to serve, and how we want to decorate. Oh, and what the dress code should be. What do you think?"

He hadn't been able to answer her, stuttering his way into, "Why don't you choose?"

"I'm not really a details person," she'd said. "You just tell me how you like things done, and I'll make sure it matches your vision, soulmate." She'd squeezed him in a too-tight hug before heading off to hand out invitations.

Now it was a day later, Chidi had yet to decide on a color scheme much less a menu, the guests were arriving, and one of them was sobbing in front of him because he'd offended her by forgetting her name.

"I am so sorry," he said to her, punch table forgotten. "I am the absolute worst person. I never should have offended you that way. Here," he said, looking around wildly, eyes focusing on the stiff, uncomfortable chair beside Tahani. "Why don't you sit, and tell me all about your life back on Earth? I'm sure you were an amazing individual."

Tahani crumpled to the chair, her fingers stroking the wooden arm rest lovingly. "I was."

"All right. Tell me about yourself, Tahani." Small talk. Small talk. What did people ask each other in the afterlife? What wouldn't be offensive? "What's your last name?"

She sniffed. "Al-Jamil."

His face broke into a smile. "Like Kamilah Al-Jamil? She's an extraordinary person."

Tahani's sobbing turned into a wail.

***

This party was lame. Jason had wandered through the snacks tables and there wasn't a single tray of jalapeño poppers or hot wings to be found. His soulmate Glenn had picked up some crackers with what looked like boba tea on them, but they tasted like fish, and not the good fish that came with lots of tartar sauce. Jason had spit his fish crackers back into his hand and dropped the mess into a flower pot when Glenn wasn't looking.

There wasn't any music except that tinny stuff they played in fancy places like the Olive Garden. Nobody was dancing. Not a single person was doing Whip-Its. Jason had been to better parties when he was ten. Pillboi's brother threw the best keggers before he went to jail.

He stared at the flower pot unhappily. The afterlife sucked. Everybody here called him the wrong name and thought he was Chinese. Janet's dad Michael told him he could keep quiet, and Jason decided that was his best plan until he figured out what was going on. At least Janet was nice to him. She called him Jason and brought him cool things that he kept out in the shed that Glenn called his shrine.

"Hey, soulmate," Glenn said, coming up beside him. "I brought us some cocktails. Not sure if you drink or not. It's a lemon fizz." He shoved a glass into Jason's hand and took a swig out of his own. "I was allergic to lemons back on Earth. They made me vomit. But now we're having a party in paradise with all the lemons we want!" He took another long drink of his lemon fizz. "Did you have any allergies?"

Jason opened his mouth to tell Glenn about the time he ate a battery on a dare from Donkey Doug and was sick for three days, but Glenn interrupted, "Sorry, sorry. Vow of silence."

Jason nodded. He glanced at his glass. Lemon? Yuck. He set it down on a tray untasted. 

"Even now you're denying yourself the joys of the flesh." He rested a hand on Jason's shoulder. "You are a model for us all, Jianyu."

Some woman wearing a lot of bananas started to cry in a chair. Jason ducked out from under Glenn's hand and went to her. The guy next to her was stammering, "Sorry, I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine," she said, face full of snot. Jason looked around for napkins and found them by the drinks. He grabbed a few and handed them to her. "Thank you," she said, blowing her nose into one. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to be a blubbering mess at your party, Chidi."

"No, it was my mistake, Tahani. I'm the one who's sorry." He looked like he was about to start crying, too.

Jason looked between them. Did everybody say sorry all the time here? Did they get reincarnated in Canada? He placed a hand on Tahani's shoulder and another hand on Chidi's shoulder, hoping they'd calm down. If they both started crying, the lame party would end and he'd have to go home with creepy Glenn the lemon party guy.

Tahani took another breath. "I can feel the peace moving through me. Thank you, Jianyu."

"Yeah," Chidi said, calming down. "That really helped. Thanks."

Jason smiled with a nod to them both and walked away. He saw Glenn headed his way and made a detour down one of the halls. This house went on for miles! He found a door and went inside, shutting it behind himself before Glenn saw him. Lights came on, showing him the room, and finally, Jason was in paradise.

***

Eleanor made some room in her bra for a few extra jumbo shrimp from the appetizers bar. Vicky had offered her a drink twice already, but Eleanor was too busy getting her shrimp on. Maybe she could ask for a bottle to go later.

She heard the sound of someone crying, and instinct made her move in the other direction. She wanted no part of anyone's breakdown. It wasn't until she heard the wail grow louder that she recognized the sound. Tahani? Oh no, Eleanor thought, popping one more shrimp into her mouth and chewing rapidly as she hurried over. What if Tahani was having a breakdown because she was stressed about covering up for Eleanor? What is she ratted Eleanor out to Michael?

As she reached her partner in crime, that monk guy walked away. Eleanor watched him go, worried.

"Hey, soulmate," Eleanor said, a bit of shrimp stuck in her mouth. She chewed and swallowed the rest, then bent down beside where Tahani sat, dabbing her eyes with a napkin. "How's things?"

"I'm fine," Tahani sniffed. "I didn't mean to cause a scene. Forgive me, Chidi."

Eleanor glanced up at the guy next to Tahani. He was cute in a nerd chic way. He didn't look like he was horrified to discover Eleanor didn't belong here in the Good Place. That was a great sign.

"Don't mention it." He looked around. "Where did Jianyu go?"

Eleanor said, "Thataway. Tahani, do you want to take a walk? Maybe get a look at this big ol' house?"

Tahani's face crumpled again. Chidi said, "Oh, no no no. Everything is fine. Right? That's what the sign said when we came in?"

Tahani nodded. "Fine. Yes. You are fine in your grand house, and we are fine in our tiny little cottage next door." She dried her eyes on the napkin.

"That's right," Eleanor said. "We live right next door. We can come visit our new friends Chidi and Vicky all the time. They have enough room. We could probably move in and they'd never notice."

"Move in?" Tahani asked.

Chidi's eyes went wide with panic. Then he said, "Of course! You should move in! We have plenty of space." He looked over at his soulmate. "Vicky, we're getting roommates." He looked back at Tahani. "I said that out loud. You heard me. Right?"

"You did, bud," Eleanor said. "I don't think Vicky heard you."

"But ethically speaking, I have informed her out loud in front of witnesses."

"Right." Eleanor turned back to Tahani. "We can pack our stuff and move in tonight. You, me, and a U-Haul, just like when Linda and Carrie got together." She took Tahani's hand and squeezed. Tahani squeezed back.

"You two are soulmates?" Chidi asked.

Eleanor nodded. "Can you believe it? Some posh social climber with legs for miles and me, an … " She stopped herself before she said, "Arizona dirtbag." She coughed and said, "A humanitarian lawyer." She smiled. "We were made for each other."

"I understand. I was an ethics professor back on Earth, and Vicky was a singer on Broadway who gave all her money to the poor." He glanced across the room to his soulmate. "Oh, and she's going to sing for us all now." He looked around again. "Seriously, where did Jianyu go?"

He walked off the way Eleanor had pointed. Eleanor helped Tahani to her feet. "You okay, Hot Stuff?"

"I'm just very emotional. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in front of our host."

"No fear. I was worried you might give me away to him, though."

Tahani's face settled into a serious expression. "I have no intention of betraying you, Eleanor. As my friend George Lucas says, a promise is a promise. I promised I wouldn't tell. We will sort this out together."

"Yeah, here in our gorgeous new house."

"Do you think he was serious about letting us move in?"

"I know I was serious about nobody noticing if we squatted in the east wing." She winked at Tahani and took her arm. Vicky was warming up the growing crowd, about to start singing. Eleanor tugged on Tahani's arm, heading towards where Chidi had gone after Jianyu. "Come on. Let's look around our new place."

Chidi was in the hallway looking around. He saw them and said, "You know, I still haven't seen all the rooms in this place. I don't even know what half of them are for. You could live here and we'd never see each other."

Eleanor took this as an invitation. She opened a door. "Bathroom." She opened another. "Walk-in closet. Nice." From the party, she heard Vicky launch into her first number.

Tahani said, "Perhaps we shouldn't go poking around?"

"No, please poke," Chidi said. He opened a door. "Jianyu?"

"Oh hey, homie," said a voice from inside.

Eleanor blinked. Tahani blinked. They followed Chidi into the room. On some instinct, Eleanor pulled the door shut behind her. Jianyu the monk sat sprawled on a beanbag chair, playing Xbox. The walls were covered with posters of hot cars and hotter women. Eleanor looked around then looked at Chidi. "Did we find your man cave, dude?"

"I have never seen this room before. I swear."

"It's perfect!" said Jianyu. He was playing Madden, Eleanor saw, and he was pretty good.

Tahani said, "Jianyu, I thought you didn't speak?"

Jianyu let out a disgusted groan. "No. I'm not a monk from Taiwan, I'm a DJ from Jacksonville. Anyway, my name isn't Jianyu, it's Jason, and I'm not Chinese, I'm Filipino. Heaven is racist, yo."

Eleanor sat down on the striped couch. The whole room smelled like thirteen year old boy. Tahani sat beside her. "Does Janet know about this?"

There was a PING, and Janet appeared. "Hi!"

Chidi said, "Janet, why is this room in my house?"

Janet said, "Unknown."

"I thought you knew everything?"

"I do. However, this information may belong to a previous Janet." She looked at the room. "Speculation: this room belonged to a previous owner of the house."

Previous owner? Previous Janets? Eleanor said, "I thought the Good Place put us in the ideal place for us. That's why Legs and I are in my ideal cottage next door, and Nerdy Griffiths here is in the mansion."

"I live in a yurt," said Jianyu, or possibly Jason. "Yurts suck. I want to live here. This would make a perfect bud hole!" The others stared at him. "You know, for my buds to hang out." His face broke into a grin. "Hey, you're all my buds!"

Janet said, "This Good Place Neighborhood was designed with your perfect afterlife experience in mind."

Chidi said, "But someone lived here before us? What happened to them?"

"Unknown."

Eleanor said, "Thanks, robot lady. You're a real help."

"Not a robot," said Janet pleasantly.

Jason said, "Well, I'm staying here. I'm not going back to live with creepy Glenn in a yurt."

"We're moving in, too," Tahani said. "Not into this room, obviously."

Chidi said, "The room where the previous owner died?" He sat heavily in an armchair, moving a pillow out of his way.

Eleanor said, "We're all already dead. Right? So the previous owner couldn't have died. This house was created for you." Jason cheered as he scored a virtual touchdown. "Maybe it has this room because the house knew Jason would come live with you. Janet, is that a thing?"

"Unknown."

"You're very helpful."

Janet's smile never wavered. "Yes, I am."

***

Chidi reached under himself, and pulled out the shriveled green remains of what might have once been a hot pepper, gooey white cheese curdled inside it. Disgusted, he tossed it onto the glass-topped coffee table. "What was that?"

"A jalapeño popper," Janet said.

"Oh cool," said Jason, and he picked up the ruins of the popper from the coffee table and ate it as the rest watched in horror. "Gross. It's cold."

Chidi said, "And spoiled, and probably left by the last owner."

Eleanor said, "There was no last owner. This is all you and Vicky. Maybe Barbra Streisand out there likes deep fried jalapeño peppers."

Tahani said, "No, Aunt Barbra isn't a fan of junk food."

Eleanor rolled her eyes. Chidi looked around himself. He had no idea why this room existed in his house. The gaudy posters screaming toxic masculinity into the void? Did this room present some repressed part of his psyche that objectified women and longed to spend his eternity in a state of arrested development like the berobed manchild playing pretend football in front of him? That didn't sound right, but he didn't have any better theories.

Maybe the house changed with his moods. Maybe his conscience was preying on him for upsetting Tahani, telling him he was some chauvinist cretin. He turned to Tahani. "I want to apologize for earlier. I am deeply sorry for comparing you to Kamilah Al-Jamil. I can't imagine how much hassle you've gone through in your life from people making the assumption you must be related to her."

"She's my sister."

"Oh." Chidi flailed for a response. "Huh."

"Wait," Eleanor said. "Kamilah the Grammy winning singer is your sister?"

Tahani's face took on a brittle expression. "Yes."

Jason said, "Wow. She kind of sucks."

Eleanor said, "No, she really sucks. I couldn't get away from her songs for three months solid." She waved her hand. "She's the worst." She looked at Tahani. "Sorry. I didn't mean that. She's your sister, right? It's not your fault you got the looks _and_ the talent in your family."

Tahani's eyes went wide as she stared at Eleanor. She was going to cry again. Chidi got an anticipatory stomach cramp.

"You really think that?"

Eleanor shrugged. "Yeah. I know," she said with a sigh. "You don't have to tell me I don't have any taste or style or … " She was cut off mid-sentence as Tahani kissed her.

Chidi looked away. A lot of soulmates were into each other this way. He had made motions towards kissing Vicky once, but she'd been too busy talking about what to wear today, and he hadn't brought it up since. Jason ignored them, back to focusing on his game. Chidi risked one glance at the pair, who had stopped kissing and were making happy, sappy faces that suggested one of the spare rooms in this enormous house was going to be borrowed sooner rather than later.

"Hello, soulmate," Tahani said.

Chidi cleared his throat. Then he reached down for the second Xbox controller. "Put me in for the next game."


End file.
